Oh Crap.

I'm cringing as I begin this post. I'm so hesitant to say this out loud, much less write it down, but I think I'm quitting smoking. (Hides head under covers....) Holy crap. I can't believe I just said that. I hesitate because once you say it, it's out there. And people know. And they check up on you. And give you (what feels like) false words of encouragement. And EVERYONE knows when you've failed. And it seems like you ALWAYS fail. Needless to say, it's a lot of pressure.

As you may guess, this came to a head because I've been so sick this week. This flu, or whatever it was, literally, kicked my ass. It started Sunday. I felt ok, but for the life of me could. not. get. out. of. bed. No matter what I did. I wanted to to go to the gym. I wanted to go to the grocery store. No dice. I was laid out flat.

Monday was worse. By then I knew I was sick. My chest was burning. My whole body ached and I had chills. Yet, despite all of that and the fact that it was pouring down rain, I still went outside to smoke. I kept thinking about how I was not going to get any better if I kept smoking. So, I decided to run a little experiment. I would try not to smoke while I was sick and see if that helped me get better quicker. (I've never been one not to smoke, even when I was sick. I've always wondered if it would help. Duh, right?)

Here it is Thursday evening and I've only had one slip up. (Last night, and it tasted horrible and hurt my chest so I put it out pretty quickly. Yay me!) Yesterday was kind of hard. I had lots of cravings, and obviously I gave in to one of them. Today, was a little bit easier. I'm not quite sure why. I think part of it is that I feel really empowered and that in itself has been reason enough not to go have a cigarette.

This afternoon, as I gave the idea of really quitting some real thought, I did some research. I wanted to know cold, hard facts. We all know smoking is bad for us and quitting is great in the long run. But if I keep quit (is that a phrase?) what will be my immediate results? Here's what I found:

Within 24 hours:

• my chance of heart attack decreases (ok, that's good, but give me something tangible)
  
• damage to my skin stops (Really? Because about a week ago I spent a LOT of money on a whole new skin care regimen. Keep talking...)

Within 48 hours:

• Carbon monoxide levels return to normal (Yeah, whatever. That's great and all, but I can't see that.)
• ability to smell and taste is enhanced (That sounds pretty good. No wonder people put on weight!)

And within 2 to 12 weeks? My circulation and lung function will improve. And we know what that does for your skin! Also? Whiter teeth. Better breath. Stronger hair and nails. Let's face it people, I am vain. Aside from the potential weight gain (which I'm hoping to control with lots of exercise), it's all positive stuff.

The bad news is that only 4-7% of people who try to quit without the benefit of drugs or nicotine replacement are successful. So, I'm kind of fighting an uphill battle.

To help with the motivation, I did some figurin'. How much am I spending on cigarettes a year? $936! OMFG! I can't even tell you the overall lifetime of smoking figure. It is shameful. Maybe if (When! When I'm successful!) I am successful, I will divulge that information. But, oh boy. Shameful.

The good news is that not smoking has helped me get better faster. I've been getting incrementally better each day since Tuesday. No lingering cough, as I usually have when I get sick. Tomorrow, when I go back to work, will be the true test.

So, I know that all of you will do your best to be supportive of me. You may get lots of short, frustrated posts here, since one of the things I can do instead of smoking is writing. Good Lord. See, the thing is, once I hit publish post? It's out there. Be kind when I slip. Cause I will slip. And I will do my best to pick myself back up again. OK, here goes nothing!