Being 36 Rocks, For Reals

I am a firm believer in the idea that every person comes into our lives for a reason, and generally we can take away something good from the relationship, no matter how it ended. (See previous entry. And I still haven't figured out how to make that a link to that entry, but just scroll down. It's there, I promise.) Well, it's been a year and a half since M and I broke up and I still struggle to come up with something good that I got out of my relationship with him. I know. Sounds a bit ridiculous, right? I mean, why the hell was I with the guy for 3 years? Temporary insanity? Deep seated insecurity? I don't know. But! Finally, today, I figured it out.

Are you ready?

M was the first guy I ever believed when he told me I was beautiful. (As I say that, if you could only see me now... Seriously. My hair is all jacked up from being shellacked into a bun for my spinning class. I have a spot of zit cream drying on my chin. My belly is hanging over my pajama bottoms just a bit. I am so totally not hot at this very moment.)

Let's face it, I am a late bloomer. I have only recently developed a makeup habit worthy of a teenaged girl. I absolutely cannot leave Target these days with out purchasing some sort of new makeup. I'm particularly obsessed with finding the perfect mascara. (I'm still somewhat of a neophyte, seeing as I still get tricked into buying waterproof mascara. I hate waterproof mascara. Feel free to leave your perfect mascara suggestions in the comments.) It took me until the age of 36 to come up with a real skin care regimen. (I think I already told you. Spent a boatload of money on it, and the good news is, it's totally awesome. My skin is dewy and fresh.) And, within the last couple of years I've developed somewhat of an addiction to the Brazilian wax.

Now, I know that makeup, dewy-fresh skin, and a waxed coochie aren't what make a woman beautiful. What makes me beautiful, and what surprises me, is that I am just now, in my mid-thirties, starting to get comfortable in my own skin. And it's not just about knowing how to do your makeup or what to wear. It's about knowing who you are and owning it. I finally know who I am. I finally think I am beautiful. I'm sure I would've gotten here eventually, but I suppose M helped me along. Begrudingly, I thank him for that.

All of this comes to mind, as I prepare myself for my first session tomorrow night with my new personal trainer, T. (I'm on this total self-improvement kick, since I quit smoking. I figured with the money I was saving not buying ciggies, I could afford T. He definitely costs more than a weeks worth of ciggies, but not much.)

I've been forewarned that T is going to ask me to name some goals. I definitely have goals that relate to my physical appearance. Hell, I'd like to get rid of the muffin top currently puffed out around my pajama bottoms. I'd like my arms to be more toned (less jiggly) and my butt to be a little bit perkier. (One thing I have noticed with age, aside from crow's feet, is that my butt ain't what it used to be.) But, the more I think about it, the more I realize that not all of my goals are appearance related. Some of my goals are performance related. For instance, I'd like to be able to do 10 regular push-ups (no sissy kind with the knees). I'd like to be able to do at least 1 pull-up. (I have never in my life been able to do a pull-up unassisted.) Most of all, I'd like to make it through an entire workout with T without whining. I'd like to think that the sense of accomplishment I have when I've reached those goals will make me feel even more beautiful than a perky butt! Although, a perky butt sure will be nice.

Quitting Smoking is Hard

What nobody tells you about quitting smoking is that the first week is actually fairly easy. You're all excited and feeling good, because, "Hey! I can totally do this!" It's the second week that blows. It blows hard.

It's not that it's any more difficult than the week before really. The actual act of not smoking is easy. You just don't smoke. It's what you do with all of that pent up energy (that mostly tends to be negative) that is difficult. I guess that would mean dealing with emotions. Huh. Who wants to do that?

I am finding that I have a whole lot of negative, pent up energy. I have been really grumpy over the past couple of days. So grumpy in fact, that I have even been resisting writing because, seriously, nobody wants to listen to me bitch. Not even a little bit. But you might want to read some of my recent (super bitchy) observations. I'm feeling a little like Andy Rooney tonight. (And I may be too grumpy still to write a coherent post. You know, one with a point and all?) So here goes, another listicle of sorts. You love lists! (Are you sick of 'em yet?)

We shall call this one Moo's Bitchy Observations! (Now with more bitchiness, less nicotine!)

• My friend BA on Facebook needs to stop with the "monkey time" status updates. We all know that they are some sort of code for s-e-x. And personally? I don't need to know.
  
• There is a girl at my work who does not know how to walk in high heels. Seriously. You can hear her coming from a mile away. And she's little. Like maybe 5'1" 100 lbs and she clomps around in those things like the Jolly Green Giant. The building rumbles a bit. She's nice and I feel bad for being annoyed. But these are the things that run through my head.
• A couple of the personal trainers at my gym have this super annoying habit of doing their hair like they're bridesmaids or going to the prom (on any average old day). For real. It could be a Tuesday and they've got it up in these elaborate up-dos. I mean, I can kind of understand, I guess. If I essentially wore sweats to work each day, I would probably also want to do something to look pretty. But, it is so odd. This one has been bugging me for a while. Even before I quit smoking.
• Sitting next to my boss in a meeting is like watching a movie with my senile grandmother. (God rest her soul.) Since half of our department is on the other side of the country in our Boston office, we do most of our meetings via video conference. (I could not spell Mass. for the life of me, ha. I tried 3 times and kept getting that little red line under it. So, I gave up. Mass. They're in Mass.) I think she might be a little hard of hearing or something because every few minutes she's like "What are they talking about? Do we do that here? What did they say?" I end up missing half of what is being said trying to explain what's going on to her. Now, I make sure I'm not sitting anywhere near her during these meetings.
• I'm afraid quitting smoking is going to make me gain weight. (This is more of an admission than an observation.) I lost about 20 lbs a couple of years ago, I worked really hard at it, and I am terrified of putting it back on. So I re-signed up for Weight Watchers online. Here's the bad part... I lied about my weight to sign up. I'm not overweight (not yet, anyway), but I just wanted it for the online tracking and the recipes. I know. But I promise, I'm not really trying to lose. Just maintain. And I need a little help.

I do feel a little bit better getting those things off my chest. Maybe I will head on over to www.cuteoverload.com and look at pictures of kittens or something. That ought to help. Don't worry. I'm not planning on smoking. I haven't given up yet.

I Am a Proud Non-Smoker

While I was getting ready to leave work this afternoon, my mind began to drift to my walk home and the cigarette I was going to smoke, when all of a sudden I thought "Damn't! That's right! I don't get to. Crap."

And then I remembered S' words of wisdom. "I am a proud non-smoker." I chanted it all the way home. It totally helped too.

Today was not so bad. Fine, actually. The walk home was the only real craving. I'm still kind of dealing with it. I will probably go clean something shortly.

Last night a friend of mine told me that they say when you quit smoking you get 2 hours of your day back! Two hours! Between the 5 minutes or so that it takes to smoke each cigarette and the time it takes to buy them etc., 2 hours. I figure since I smoked (past tense!) about 1/2 a pack a day, I'm saving myself like an hour a day. Which is kind of cool. More time to clean stuff.

To Do List

Things I can do instead of smoking:

1. Clean out the refrigerator. (It really needs it.)
2. Clean the microwave. (Ditto.)
3. Organize a drawer in my dresser. (With 8 drawers and a cupboard, that's a lot of craving combating.)
4. Scrub the tub. (A bathtub can always use a good scrubbing.)
5. Take a bath in newly clean tub.
   
6. Reorganize my closet (one little bit at a time).
7. Take a walk around the block.
8. At work, walk down, then back up a few flights of stairs. (Although, if there are people smoking in the stairwells, as there have been in the past, this might not be very helpful.)
9. Give myself a mani/pedi. Or! Even better, take the money I'm saving and go get a real mani/pedi. With the sea salt scrub and everything!
10. Write on my blog. I'm sure there will be lots to tell.

Yes, I know that almost all of the activities listed involve cleaning and/or organizing, but I really think those will be more helpful to me than simply taking a walk or reading a book, as I've seen suggested on quitting websites. I need to be kept busy. Reading a book won't help if I can't concentrate through the nic fit.

If you have any suggestions feel free to leave them in the comments!

Oh Crap.

I'm cringing as I begin this post. I'm so hesitant to say this out loud, much less write it down, but I think I'm quitting smoking. (Hides head under covers....) Holy crap. I can't believe I just said that. I hesitate because once you say it, it's out there. And people know. And they check up on you. And give you (what feels like) false words of encouragement. And EVERYONE knows when you've failed. And it seems like you ALWAYS fail. Needless to say, it's a lot of pressure.

As you may guess, this came to a head because I've been so sick this week. This flu, or whatever it was, literally, kicked my ass. It started Sunday. I felt ok, but for the life of me could. not. get. out. of. bed. No matter what I did. I wanted to to go to the gym. I wanted to go to the grocery store. No dice. I was laid out flat.

Monday was worse. By then I knew I was sick. My chest was burning. My whole body ached and I had chills. Yet, despite all of that and the fact that it was pouring down rain, I still went outside to smoke. I kept thinking about how I was not going to get any better if I kept smoking. So, I decided to run a little experiment. I would try not to smoke while I was sick and see if that helped me get better quicker. (I've never been one not to smoke, even when I was sick. I've always wondered if it would help. Duh, right?)

Here it is Thursday evening and I've only had one slip up. (Last night, and it tasted horrible and hurt my chest so I put it out pretty quickly. Yay me!) Yesterday was kind of hard. I had lots of cravings, and obviously I gave in to one of them. Today, was a little bit easier. I'm not quite sure why. I think part of it is that I feel really empowered and that in itself has been reason enough not to go have a cigarette.

This afternoon, as I gave the idea of really quitting some real thought, I did some research. I wanted to know cold, hard facts. We all know smoking is bad for us and quitting is great in the long run. But if I keep quit (is that a phrase?) what will be my immediate results? Here's what I found:

Within 24 hours:

• my chance of heart attack decreases (ok, that's good, but give me something tangible)
  
• damage to my skin stops (Really? Because about a week ago I spent a LOT of money on a whole new skin care regimen. Keep talking...)

Within 48 hours:

• Carbon monoxide levels return to normal (Yeah, whatever. That's great and all, but I can't see that.)
• ability to smell and taste is enhanced (That sounds pretty good. No wonder people put on weight!)

And within 2 to 12 weeks? My circulation and lung function will improve. And we know what that does for your skin! Also? Whiter teeth. Better breath. Stronger hair and nails. Let's face it people, I am vain. Aside from the potential weight gain (which I'm hoping to control with lots of exercise), it's all positive stuff.

The bad news is that only 4-7% of people who try to quit without the benefit of drugs or nicotine replacement are successful. So, I'm kind of fighting an uphill battle.

To help with the motivation, I did some figurin'. How much am I spending on cigarettes a year? $936! OMFG! I can't even tell you the overall lifetime of smoking figure. It is shameful. Maybe if (When! When I'm successful!) I am successful, I will divulge that information. But, oh boy. Shameful.

The good news is that not smoking has helped me get better faster. I've been getting incrementally better each day since Tuesday. No lingering cough, as I usually have when I get sick. Tomorrow, when I go back to work, will be the true test.

So, I know that all of you will do your best to be supportive of me. You may get lots of short, frustrated posts here, since one of the things I can do instead of smoking is writing. Good Lord. See, the thing is, once I hit publish post? It's out there. Be kind when I slip. Cause I will slip. And I will do my best to pick myself back up again. OK, here goes nothing!