The Rules

I'm a rule follower. Not those crazy dating rules those annoying women wrote about a few years back. Anyone who knows me knows I definitely do not follow those rules. I'm talking about rules in general. I'm more comfortable in any situation if I know what is expected of me and what the rules are. The problem is, when it comes to internet dating, no one sits you down and gives you the rules. Sure, there is the obvious, be clever, show yourself in the best light, blah, blah, blah. What I'm talking about here are the real rules.

Here are Moo's rules for online dating:

1. Post a picture for God's sake! In fact, please post more than one photo. And that photo should not be of you in a hat and sunglasses. If you do not have a picture I will not look at your profile, nor will I respond to your wink or email. I'm not taking any chances here. Who knows what you'll get if you don't see the goods up front.

2. Please be clever with your screen name. "sexykissr4u" is not clever. It is just gross. And while we're talking about "sexykissr4u", with that screen name, I do not believe you when you say you are looking for a monogamous relationship. Particularly when you have several variations of your screen name on different profiles along with a shirtless photo. Again, gross.

3. Any guy less than 5'10'' lies about his height. If a guy says he is 5'10'' or less you can automatically shave 2 inches off right off the bat. This is not attractive. Own your height, or lack thereof.

4.. Emails titled "Hello, Sexy Lady" will not be responded to under any circumstances. Nor will emails that say nothing more than "U r sexy." or "Hi". I know it's not easy to come up with a witty email to send to a total stranger, but at least put some effort into it. Tell me something interesting about yourself. Ask me about something in my profile.

5. I reserve the right to not respond to your email or wink. If I don't respond, don't keep trying. One guy emailed me 7 times over the course of one hour. I mean it's probably my fault. I did say in my profile that I love to laugh and each email I received from him had an equally offensive, horrible joke.

6. In situations such as the one mentioned above it is totally ok to block the offender. Blocking is a useful tool. It keeps the tools away. Hee hee.

7. I also reserve the right to change my mind about you even after I've given you my phone number. This does not impart upon you the right to send me a mean text when I don't return your phone call. True story. I didn't like the sound of his voice, so I didn't call back. What?

8. Do not IM me. Anytime I'm online and I get an IM from some random dude I about have a heart attack! If I don't know what to say to you in an email I'm certainly not going to know what to say to you in an IM.

9. And lastly, if I say I don't want to see you anymore please stop contacting me. No phone calls. No texts. No emails. Seriously.