Fool Me Once, Shame On You, Fool Me Twice Shame On Me, Fool Me a Third Time. And... Oh Hell

I haven't had a date since February. Sigh. Almost 6 months. I'm seriously considering dipping my toe back into the online dating pool. (I've also been seriously considering selling my panties on Craigslist to make extra money, but that's whole 'nother story.)

I was reading an article on CNN.com today about online dating and I felt a kind of yearning. And then I remember how much work it is. And I realize that it would also mean I'd actually have to check my personal email daily (sorry, if anyone has emailed me there recently).

But, then I also remember how exciting it can be to check your email to see if someone cute has emailed you; only to find that dreaded email from some tool titled "Hey, Pretty Lady" and get slapped in the face with reality. But! It can be fun.

I came thisclose to signing on to Match tonight, just to look. But, when I went to sign-on it asked me if I wanted to "reactivate" my profile and I panicked. I clicked cancel.

I'm really conflicted about the whole thing. I'll put it out to you, all 6 of you. (That never gets old. Six people reading my blog is 6 more than I ever thought, and very cool, but, it's also kind of funny in a sad kind of way.) What should I do? Reactivate? Dip my toe? Jump in head first? Help.

Like a Moth to a Flame

I must be a glutton for punishment. I couldn't even stay off internet dating for a day. I signed up for eHarmony. And immediately regretted it.

eHarmony is like dating for retards, pardon my un-politically correct (politically incorrect?) term. But it really is. Everything is "guided". There is really very little opportunity for your personality to come through. In fact, rather than carefully read someone's profile on eHarmony, I generally just skim. I don't feel like much of the person's true essence (what a crunchy, granola word) comes through. Seriously, I'm communicating with a guy on there right now, and I'm having a hard time remembering anything more than his name and how tall he is. (6'6".)

Unlike Match, (I don't know why I was hesitant before to say which site I was on. Match, it was Match.) you can't see your profile how others see it on eHarmony. I think that's kind of a valuable tool. I used it a lot on Match, to see what others saw when they looked at me. Like a mirror, right? I use it here, when writing a post. I do most of my editing in "preview". It helps me see what needs to be changed or tweaked. But on eHarmony, I really have no idea how I come across.

So the matches they're sending me? Seem to be Match rejects. You've seen those eHarmony commercials with Tanyalee and Joshua? The really hot guy and very cute girl who supposedly met on eHarmony? Yeah, well so far none of my matches have looked like Joshua. Quite the contrary, as a matter of fact.

The weird part is when people "Close Communication" with you when you've never even communicated. So, what happens is, Dr. Neil Warren's eHarmony Matching Super Computer sends you people that you will supposedly connect with. Based on 29 factors and a personality test. (Did you know that I once applied to work at Clothestime at the Y in Tahoe? And I failed their personality test. I still don't even know what that means.) Anyway. Tonight I noticed that a couple of guys "Closed Communication" with me. When you do that, you're supposed to give a reason. You pick from a list of reasons, like "I'm pursuing another relationship" or "I think the difference in our age is too great", stuff like that. (Don't think for a second I haven't "Closed Communication" with matches already. But I've only closed them out if they "Requested Communication"!)

So, tonight I got a couple of "closes" from guys who I was just matched with yesterday. How rude! One said "I just don't think the chemistry is there." Really? How can you tell? The other said "Other". Which is the reason I have been giving most frequently. I would so much rather receive "Other" as my reason than anything else.

Oh well. I guess I will just keep on keepin' on. Hopefully, my eHarmony subscription will go by quickly and at least give me some good stories.

Boys Don't Suck, Dating Does

For those of you keeping score, I am zero for two. Date number two, P, was a total bust. Apparently, not all musicians are yummy. P looked cute in his photos, and he looked cute as he walked up. Then he took off his sunglasses and smiled.

I'm about to be really mean, about a guy who certainly doesn't deserve it, but... He looked a little bit like Skeletor. (I feel awful for saying that, because honestly, he is a super nice guy. However, I feel it my duty to be honest here. And funny. And sometimes funny is mean.) Anyway, he's really thin, so much so that his face is a little bit sunken in, and he has what I can only call "old person smoker teeth". Does that give you any sort of a visual? They're the kind of teeth that are a little yellow around the edges and the gums are receeding. Make sense?

We had a lot to talk about, but I just couldn't get past the looks. I don't think I'm being shallow. I have got to be attracted to a guy. Plus, I felt like he was trying just a little bit too hard. Also? He kept talking about having been a Marine. (Yeah, like 23 years ago!) And? He's a Republican! Christ on a stick! How the hell did I meet the only guitar player ever to be a Republican???? Needless to say, there will not be a second date for P and me.

I feel like Charlotte York. I, too, have been dating since I was 15. I'm also exhausted. Where the hell is he????

I took my profile down today. Seriously. I. Give. Up. I'm not saying this because I need a pep talk. I'm just over it. Taking a break.

Bad Date

I just got back from an epically bad date. It wasn't bad because anything weird or unusual happened. It was bad because I knew from the second I saw him that I was absolutely, in no way, shape, or form, attracted to him. And nothing he could do or say was going to change that. Plus, he was wearing way too much cologne. I can still smell it. Blech.

He was late, to begin with. Never good in my book, particularly on a first date. We met at the Waterfront, a bar a few blocks from my house (not that bar). As soon as he walked in I knew. He was just odd looking. Ginormous eyes, and an itty bitty mouth. Like the kind that looks like it could possibly be missing a jaw bone or something. Not unattractive completely, but totally not attractive to me. To give you a point of reference, he looked a little bit like Quentin Tarantino. Some may find that attractive; I would not be one of them.

He was also a slow talker. Took forever to get to the point. And when I asked him a question, his answer invariably started with "A week ago, last Tuesday..." He took forever to get to the point. If there was a point at all. Just an odd duck. I felt bad ducking out early, but seriously, it was painful. I couldn't wait to get home.

Oh well. He was one of 2 dates I have lined up for this weekend. (I know. I'm a busy girl.) Date number 2 is with P, a musician. As N has said in the past, musicians are yummy. P certainly is promising. I will tell you all about it after the date.

By the way, the date was so painful, it almost drove me to smoke. Instead, I went to Jack in the Box and got a Jumbo Jack and fries. I will be working that off tomorrow in my Athletic Training class of death. I figured it was better than smoking. Wish me luck for Sunday.

Where Do I Know You From? Part II

Today, at the gym, my internet dating life AGAIN crossed paths with my normal life. Am I going to have to move???

Yesterday I took the plunge. I went to the gym closer to my house, the one downtown. They have this Athletic Training class there that I had been wanting to try. So one of my gays, F, and I went to the class. And it was great. The class is intense. But super fun. And I am sore like you wouldn't believe.

So, I actually liked the new gym. It's big and newly remodeled. The group exercise room is pretty spacious. There's tons of equipment. And! There's even a jacuzzi. (Not that I think I'll be using it. The whole idea of sharing a jacuzzi with a bunch of sweaty people I don't know totally grosses me out. In fact, if you could see me now, you'd see my nose totally scrunched up. I have to stop thinking about it or my face could freeze this way.)

Anyway, I was so sore today, but I thought that if I went to the gym and took a spin on the elliptical, that might make my legs feel a little bit better. There I was, minding my own business when I saw him... Crazy M! The one who probably sent me no fewer than 50 texts between date number one and date number two. The one who after 2 dates wanted to know what it would take to be my boyfriend. The one who still sends a text every now and then. The one who still looks at my profile every so often. Ugh.

I must've looked like a deer in headlights. I know I audibly cursed. I'm not sure if he saw me, he was walking into the locker room. Without knowing how long he'd be in there, I scanned the room looking for a piece of equipment I could use while remaining somewhat hidden. (I still had like 20 minutes left in my workout. I wasn't going to let him drive me away. The only outside force that has ever driven me away from a workout was this one guy's God awful BO on the treadmill next to me. But that's another story.) In front of me was a row of treadmills. One was right next to a big pillar that looked like it could offer some cover. Quickly, I made the switch.

I was on the treadmill for a few minutes, furtively scanning the room. I hadn't seen him come out of the locker room. As the minutes ticked by I thought I was in the clear. And then! There he was. Getting water, pretty much right in front of me. Turns out the pillar didn't offer me cover if M didn't stay to the left side of the gym. He then proceeded to settle in on the ab equipment directly in front of, but still a decent distance from me. With his back to me, I figured I could attempt to finish my workout.

For a good 15 minutes I tried to pretend he wasn't there. I did my thing. He did his. I told myself if he saw me, I'd just ignore him. This worked right up until he started toward me. I pushed stop on that treadmill so fast it wasn't even funny. And then? I turned tail and ran. To the women's locker room. I did really have to pee. But mostly I was hiding.

I still don't even know if he saw me. We didn't make eye contact, but I can't imagine that he didn't. I feel like a jack ass for running away. But I hate confrontation or any uncomfortable situation for that matter. Who doesn't though?

As of tonight though, I've decided that M is going to have to learn to share that gym. (To be fair, I did know that he works out there. I forgot though, until I saw him. But he was there first.) Regardless of the fact that he was there first, I fully intend to continue to work out there. Will I run away again the next time I see him? I don't know. (Probably.) I guess it is possible I'll have to face an uncomfortable situation. I'll live.

Where Do I Know You From?

Tonight, for the first time, my internet dating life crossed over into my real life. It was creepy. I did not like it.

I was at the gym minding my own business, chugging along on the elliptical when it happened. Now, I've been working out at this gym for almost 6 years now (Good Lord. I cannot believe it's been that long.) The funny part is, I don't even live in that part of town anymore. I'm such a creature of habit that I drive 5 miles out of my way to go to my old gym, when there is a perfectly nice, newly remodeled gym just the other side of downtown (near where I live, within not-so-safe walking distance) that I could go to. But I'm comfortable at my old gym, so I keep going. (Truth be told, I'm a little bit afraid of the downtown gym. And I don't mean afraid of the bums who might accost me on the way there, though I should be. I mean, I'm kind of shy. If I'm going to workout, I prefer it be in a comfortable environment. I think maybe I'm turning autistic. Is that possible?)

Anyway, as I was saying... I was chugging away on the elliptical actually enjoying myself. (I know! Weird.) In walks this guy. Kind of chubby, creepy looking, wearing a cap that is obviously covering up a hideous blonde combover. It was none other than LunchTodayOK! OMFG.

I don't think he recognized me, but I certainly recognized him. It was weird. As soon as I saw him, I knew it was him. He probably thought I was totally checking him out, because I kept looking at him, horrified, yet strangely fascinated to see him in person. And petrified that he would recognize me or worse yet! Try to talk to me. I would die. Just die.

Luckily, I escaped without him trying to engage me in conversation. I don't think he is stalking me as I remember from his profile that he lives in that part of town. Plus, I never responded to any of his emails. And, I've never mentioned in my profile where I work out. But! In the almost 6 years that I've been going to that gym, I've certainly never seen him there. I choose to believe that it was just a creepy, god awful coincidence.

UPDATE!!!

I'm a proud non-smoker! I still haven't smoked since last Wednesday. The weekend went fairly well. I even went out on Saturday night. And drank! And managed not to smoke. Yay me!

I've found that the most difficult time of the day is late afternoon, just before the end of work. That's when I crave a cigarette the most. But, armed with my mantra (I am a proud non-smoker), I keep on keepin' on. Yay me!

Tired Old Retreads

After 2 more dates, I've finally come to the conclusion that J and I are just not a match. He's great; he's nice; he's super cute too, but something is just not quite there, for either of us, I think. So, that's that. I'm sure I will still keep in touch with him, because I like him just fine. He's just not boyfriend material and that's ok.

I'm thinking about giving my internet dating profile a rest for a while. It seems that after almost 6 months at it I'm beginning to scrape the bottom of the barrel. All I'm getting is tired, old retreads who I wasn't interested in in the first place. Or the ickiest of ickys that I would never be interested in to begin with.

Some of the retreads? Marko3. He's the guy who sent me an angry text message because I never called him back. (I really wish I would've saved the text so I could quote it here. It said something to the effect of "if [I] had a problem with [him]... [I] should've confronted it in person, rather than just not calling back." Seriously. I don't know you well enough to confront anything in person. I have a hard time confronting people I know in person, much less random internet guys.) A couple of weeks ago I get an email from Marko3 saying, "I was wondering if you were still interested. I know I tried calling you a couple of times, but never heard back. Let me know..." Huh. I wonder why you never heard anything back, Marko3?

Retread number 2? LunchTodayOK! Now I know I sent this guy a polite thanks, but no thanks, email when he was operating under some equally creepy screen name. I think I may have even blocked him. He caught me off guard with the new name. But there is no chance in hell for Mr. LunchTodayOK. He's just too smarmy looking. And sends emails that say nothing more than "You are beautiful!" Which is a nice sentiment, coming from the right person, but coming from him? Ick. If you could just see his pictures, you'd know what I'm talking about. All I can say is he's a blonde with a bad combover who thinks he's all "hip" and "happening". And he wears his Chargers' jersey tucked into his khaki shorts. Ew.

Another retread? Listo. I have nothing snarky or mean to say about Listo. He seems nice enough in his profile. Well educated, well traveled. I wasn't interested a few months ago, and for some reason, I'm still not interested. I feel kind of bad. Listo never did anything to me. Ah, well.

Ickys? The previously mentioned Chas. Who emailed me like 3 times with no response from me. The last email said "I guess you didn't like my profile." I'm sorry, Chas, but no I didn't. And your sad sack of a final email did not help your cause. (Can you tell I'm sick and grumpy?) Truth be told I did not like Chas' eyebrows. Shallow? Perhaps, but I am not waking up every morning to caterpillars crawling across my beloved's forehead. Plus! Chas? Blech. I do not like that name.

Also, icky? PBEmerald. I think he might be a little bit retarded. I'm serious. A little background here. I loved the whole 25 Things on Facebook so much that I modified mine and used it for my profile on the dating site. It got a good response for a while. Until I got this email from PBEmerald,

"I too like lists, however I prefer the bulleted kind over the numbered. I purposely avoid them here as I think they seem to structured and direct.

On your artistic talent, have you tried interpretive dance? I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure that the addition of the word 'interpretive' means it can come out any way you want and it's still art.

What do homeless people yell at you?

Lastly, you can change a lot of things about yourself, but your height is not one of them. Sorry to break it to you.

Check out my profile and let's correspond."

I'm trying to give PBEmerald the benefit of the doubt, and assume he thinks he is funny. But aside from the interpretive dance bit, none of that was funny. Some of it just came across as stiff and very formal. "I do not like numbered lists as they are too direct." Yes, sir.

So, I think for now I'm over the whole internet thing. I think I'm going to take some time off and either go back in a couple of months or not. Perhaps in the mean time I will meet my next love the old fashioned way... Drunk, in a bar.

The Rules

I'm a rule follower. Not those crazy dating rules those annoying women wrote about a few years back. Anyone who knows me knows I definitely do not follow those rules. I'm talking about rules in general. I'm more comfortable in any situation if I know what is expected of me and what the rules are. The problem is, when it comes to internet dating, no one sits you down and gives you the rules. Sure, there is the obvious, be clever, show yourself in the best light, blah, blah, blah. What I'm talking about here are the real rules.

Here are Moo's rules for online dating:

1. Post a picture for God's sake! In fact, please post more than one photo. And that photo should not be of you in a hat and sunglasses. If you do not have a picture I will not look at your profile, nor will I respond to your wink or email. I'm not taking any chances here. Who knows what you'll get if you don't see the goods up front.

2. Please be clever with your screen name. "sexykissr4u" is not clever. It is just gross. And while we're talking about "sexykissr4u", with that screen name, I do not believe you when you say you are looking for a monogamous relationship. Particularly when you have several variations of your screen name on different profiles along with a shirtless photo. Again, gross.

3. Any guy less than 5'10'' lies about his height. If a guy says he is 5'10'' or less you can automatically shave 2 inches off right off the bat. This is not attractive. Own your height, or lack thereof.

4.. Emails titled "Hello, Sexy Lady" will not be responded to under any circumstances. Nor will emails that say nothing more than "U r sexy." or "Hi". I know it's not easy to come up with a witty email to send to a total stranger, but at least put some effort into it. Tell me something interesting about yourself. Ask me about something in my profile.

5. I reserve the right to not respond to your email or wink. If I don't respond, don't keep trying. One guy emailed me 7 times over the course of one hour. I mean it's probably my fault. I did say in my profile that I love to laugh and each email I received from him had an equally offensive, horrible joke.

6. In situations such as the one mentioned above it is totally ok to block the offender. Blocking is a useful tool. It keeps the tools away. Hee hee.

7. I also reserve the right to change my mind about you even after I've given you my phone number. This does not impart upon you the right to send me a mean text when I don't return your phone call. True story. I didn't like the sound of his voice, so I didn't call back. What?

8. Do not IM me. Anytime I'm online and I get an IM from some random dude I about have a heart attack! If I don't know what to say to you in an email I'm certainly not going to know what to say to you in an IM.

9. And lastly, if I say I don't want to see you anymore please stop contacting me. No phone calls. No texts. No emails. Seriously.