I went to the doctor today specifically to talk to him about how crazy stressed out I've been and to get some help. (In the form of medication. I could so be a pill popper if I let myself.) It wasn't until I said it all out loud to him (very calmly, I might add), without crying or anything, that I realized really how bad things have gotten so quickly. I guess I can be kind of thick.
I don't want to go into too many of the details here, because, seriously? So boring and complicated, and nobody really wants to read about they why's and how's. Suffice it to say, it has been brought to my attention that in recent weeks I've been thisclose to losing my job. And thanks to having friends in the right places, so far, I've managed to hang on by the skin of my teeth.
The ironic and so completely frustrating part of all of this is that in the past month or so I have received more positive feedback from the clients I've been dealing with than I have in the almost 4 years I've been with the company. So, being told there will be no raise for you this year, and really, Missy, you're here only by the grace of God, seriously, sending mixed messages. No wonder I can't sleep.
I will admit, I have never been a model employee. I think I am one of those people who has the potential to be so much more than I have the discipline (and temperament) to be. (Hmmm. I don't recall my report cards saying that I wasn't living up to my potential. Or the dreaded "Moo isn't applying herself." There was that serious homework avoidance problem in the 3rd grade. And I still have awful "I didn't go to class all quarter now there's a big final" college dreams. What does it all mean?)
My delivery and disposition apparently could use a lot of work. (They tell me I can be prickly. Funny, I thought I was just being myself.) And unfortunately, in spite of (and I'm sure to the great disappointment of as well) the aforementioned friends in right places, I've managed to piss off all the wrong people. Not really a good combination. For right now, luckily, the friends in the right places have trumped the pissed off wrong people. But! Who knows how long that can hold out.
Add to this crappy mess, a "retreat" in Boston for our whole department next week. We're supposed to bond with the rest of our bi-coastal team. (I'm giving up the better part of my weekend to fly cross country for a 24 hour retreat.) I'm not sure I've got it in me. For reals. I feel like I'm about to break wide open. (And there goes my eye. Twitching. Great.)
The funny thing is though, that despite all of this; the mixed messages, the implicit (and explicit) threats of losing my job; I still believe in this company. I still believe that it is one of the best places I've ever worked. It makes me sad to feel like I'm failing so miserably.
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Talk about stressful...no wonder you've been unable to sleep! I'm so sorry you're going through this and want you to know we're here for you if you want to talk or just vent it out in the form of an email (yes, I'm speaking for Sadie - seems we do that for each other). Many times I've found it therapeutic to write out what's going on. It helps me see what's really bothering me and, often, I can solve at least part of the problem. It also helps to have someone to bounce it off of (I normally use Sadie). Having an impartial party to gently help me see things I've been blind to has helped me through many rough patches. Seriously, ask Sadie...many, many times.
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, please know you are a great person and a fabulous employee. As a former "boss" I can honestly say you were definitely one of the best :-) Although, if you remember, a certain friend of ours (who shall remain nameless) did have to talk to me about the "perceived favoritism" others saw in my friendship with you and K so my opinion may be a bit biased (although I don't think so!)
Keep your head held high and stay true to yourself!
Oh wow, it does sound very stressful. Who exactly is telling you this stuff? Is it your boss, or your boss's boss? Is it maybe that the Boss's boss is the one with the problem? Whoever it is, way to motivate and lead.
ReplyDeleteI had forgotten about you being one of Cyndi's "pets" (hee hee) but I can tell you that she didn't give that status out lightly! Only the best & brightest got to be her pets.
I really, really hope that things improve soon. I know how much you've liked your job in the past, and the company as well. And like Cyndi said (and she can speak for me anytime), we are here if you want to vent & need someone to listen.
Hang in there Girl, I really hope it gets better soon. Based on the very little that I know of it, it sounds like the issue may belong to someone else, rather than you. And as far as that retreat next weekend, well, Boston is supposed to be super cool.
Thank you ladies for your good advice and for listening to me vent. Given that I used to work both for and with both of you I appreciate your unique perspective. I'll keep you all posted on my progress. : )
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