Ugh.

Ennui- [ahn-wee, ahn-wee, Fr. ahN-nwee] noun a feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from satiety or lack of interest; boredom

Yep, that pretty much describes how I feel right now, right this very moment, here at work. Ennui. It has become my new favorite French word, 2nd only to accoutrement.

Work is so totally and completely DEAD. In my almost 5 years here, I’ve never seen it this bad. And the thing of it is, it doesn’t look like it’s going to get much better in the near future, particularly for me. I already have one foot out the door.

Even under the best of circumstances, I’d be antsy. Even if I was a busy little beaver at work, I’d be counting the days until I could leave this all behind. (Hmmm… Maybe that can be my next task, count the days. Perhaps I can set about finding a way to install a countdown clock on the blog.)

Anyway. I feel like I’m withering away here. Not physically. Mentally. Nothing interests me. I’m convinced I’ve come to the end of the internet. I don’t even have the energy to make this blog entry half interesting.

Fragile

I went to the doctor today specifically to talk to him about how crazy stressed out I've been and to get some help. (In the form of medication. I could so be a pill popper if I let myself.) It wasn't until I said it all out loud to him (very calmly, I might add), without crying or anything, that I realized really how bad things have gotten so quickly. I guess I can be kind of thick.

I don't want to go into too many of the details here, because, seriously? So boring and complicated, and nobody really wants to read about they why's and how's. Suffice it to say, it has been brought to my attention that in recent weeks I've been thisclose to losing my job. And thanks to having friends in the right places, so far, I've managed to hang on by the skin of my teeth.

The ironic and so completely frustrating part of all of this is that in the past month or so I have received more positive feedback from the clients I've been dealing with than I have in the almost 4 years I've been with the company. So, being told there will be no raise for you this year, and really, Missy, you're here only by the grace of God, seriously, sending mixed messages. No wonder I can't sleep.

I will admit, I have never been a model employee. I think I am one of those people who has the potential to be so much more than I have the discipline (and temperament) to be. (Hmmm. I don't recall my report cards saying that I wasn't living up to my potential. Or the dreaded "Moo isn't applying herself." There was that serious homework avoidance problem in the 3rd grade. And I still have awful "I didn't go to class all quarter now there's a big final" college dreams. What does it all mean?)

My delivery and disposition apparently could use a lot of work. (They tell me I can be prickly. Funny, I thought I was just being myself.) And unfortunately, in spite of (and I'm sure to the great disappointment of as well) the aforementioned friends in right places, I've managed to piss off all the wrong people. Not really a good combination. For right now, luckily, the friends in the right places have trumped the pissed off wrong people. But! Who knows how long that can hold out.

Add to this crappy mess, a "retreat" in Boston for our whole department next week. We're supposed to bond with the rest of our bi-coastal team. (I'm giving up the better part of my weekend to fly cross country for a 24 hour retreat.) I'm not sure I've got it in me. For reals. I feel like I'm about to break wide open. (And there goes my eye. Twitching. Great.)

The funny thing is though, that despite all of this; the mixed messages, the implicit (and explicit) threats of losing my job; I still believe in this company. I still believe that it is one of the best places I've ever worked. It makes me sad to feel like I'm failing so miserably.