I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up

I've got a lot on my mind lately. Most likely because I'm so bored at work. I worry that the boredom is eating my brain. By the time law school starts my brain will look like Swiss cheese.

Anyway, one of the things on my mind is my serious lack of motivation these days. I have fallen so far off the work out wagon recently that the wagon is over the hill and around the bend, and I'm going to have to chase it down to climb back on it.

Admittedly, I've had a lot going on the past couple of months, enough to knock anyone off their workout schedule. Between the LSAT, moving, and Earl's illness, it's been a lot. And then, last week I had a cold.

I finally started feeling better over the weekend and I told myself this was the week! This was the week I'd get back to the gym. But no matter how hard I try I cannot seem to get there. Every morning I tell myself I'll go after work and every evening I tell myself I'll go in the morning. It's gotten so that even I don't believe myself.

The kicker is, I know how good it will feel once I go. Endorphins are a wonderful thing. Unfortunately, at 5 am, endorphins aren't enough to get me out of my warm, cozy bed. So, perhaps if I put it in writing, on the internet, for all to see, I will finally get my lazy ass out of bed tomorrow morning and go to the freaking gym.

Ugh.

Ennui- [ahn-wee, ahn-wee, Fr. ahN-nwee] noun a feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from satiety or lack of interest; boredom

Yep, that pretty much describes how I feel right now, right this very moment, here at work. Ennui. It has become my new favorite French word, 2nd only to accoutrement.

Work is so totally and completely DEAD. In my almost 5 years here, I’ve never seen it this bad. And the thing of it is, it doesn’t look like it’s going to get much better in the near future, particularly for me. I already have one foot out the door.

Even under the best of circumstances, I’d be antsy. Even if I was a busy little beaver at work, I’d be counting the days until I could leave this all behind. (Hmmm… Maybe that can be my next task, count the days. Perhaps I can set about finding a way to install a countdown clock on the blog.)

Anyway. I feel like I’m withering away here. Not physically. Mentally. Nothing interests me. I’m convinced I’ve come to the end of the internet. I don’t even have the energy to make this blog entry half interesting.

Bi-Polar Week

Last week was one of incredible highs and incredible lows. Let's start with the highs, shall we?

I got accepted to law school! Plus, they're giving me a scholarship! Fifty percent tuition for all 3 years, as long as I maintain a certain GPA. Woo hoo! I'm so excited and can't wait to get started.

Unfortunately school doesn't start until August. Philosophically, I am against wishing one's life away, even though it's an activity I participate in regularly (I can't wait until Friday etc...). But in this case I feel justified in saying, can it just be August already? I've essentially checked out of my job in my head. I've spent the last few days trying to work out how I can afford to quit my job N-O-W. I mean, I have access to enough money that would get me through the next 4 months, but the responsible thing to do would be to keep working until the very last minute. But... 4 months worth of relaxing and doing a whole lot of nothing sounds so freaking good.

Anyway, not to toot my own horn (toot toot), but I'm pretty dang proud of myself. Getting into law school is an accomplishment all it's own, one I was up until recently, never sure I could accomplish. Again, can it just be August already?

On to the incredible low... Some of you may know from my Facebook page that Earl has been sick for a while now. Back in February, I had to rush him to the emergency vet and it turned out he had a urinary tract blockage not uncommon in male cats. A week in the hospital and 4 thousand dollars later I brought him home.

Bringing Earl home was a challenge in and of itself. Meredith was not happy to have him back. He smelled like the vet as far as she was concerned, there was a lot of hissing and spitting. But after about a week it was like they had never been separated.

Well, it's been 4 weeks since we brought Earl home from the hospital and he hasn't gotten any better. I've had him at the emergency vet and my regular vet several times over the last 4 weeks and nothing has worked. I have become really good at giving a cat a pill. (The secret? Sit on 'em.)

Last Thursday it started to become really clear we were nearing the end of the road. Friday morning I took Earl in to the vet and we decided it was time to let him go. My sweet boy was put to sleep Friday, March 26th.

Meredith and I miss our boy so much. I just can't believe that he's not here with us. When I've had some time and space from the whole thing, I'll put together a post about all the awesome things about Earl. Suffice it to say, I absolutely will miss him to pieces. And he was the coolest cat ever. (Sorry, Meredith, but it's the truth.)

Some days are better than others. Today was not such a good day. I found myself sitting at my desk at work crying. So I came home and took a nap with Meredith.

I was hesitant to sit down and write this post. A.) because it's been so long since I last wrote and B.) because I just didn't know what to say. I guess I was hoping for some catharsis. And I'll just say it again...

I miss my boy.

Happy New Year! Bring on 2010!

Holla! It's 2010!

I spent New Year's Eve with Mearl, no booze, not even champagne. I decided that I didn't want to start the New Year with even a slight hangover. Had I opened a bottle of champagne I would have been compelled to drink the whole thing and hello, hangover. So, I was in bed by 10 pm. Such is the fabulous life I lead.

Among the fabulous, fun things I did last night was to make a list of New Year's Resolutions. I don't usually subscribe to the notion of New Year's Resolutions, but this year, I decided that I'd set some goals for myself and do all that I can to achieve them.

The theme for the year is health; fiscal, physical, mental, and spiritual.

1. Create a budget and stick to it.
This one is going to be a little bit difficult. I'm not necessarily a spendthrift, but I also don't tend to deny myself much. Hence the embarrassingly high balance on my Visa card. But this year I intend to keep to my budget. No more impulse purchases on iTunes.

2. Workout more consistently.
I actually created a pretty set schedule for myself to follow for this one, but I won't bore you all with it. Suffice it to say, my goal is to workout 6 days a week. But, knowing myself, I'm giving myself some wiggle room here. Six days is the goal, but if I can make it 4 days a week, I will consider it a success.

I plan on keeping track, with photos and weight charts. Haven't decided if I will share those here yet. Might be too embarrassing.

3. Wash face and floss teeth nightly.
OK, this makes me sound gross. But I'm not always the best about washing my face or flossing my teeth nightly. I always take off my makeup and brush my teeth, but cleansing and flossing, not so much. I'm lucky if I floss every other night. So, anyway, I plan to do this each and every day. Wish me luck.

4. Study for the LSAT.
This one is actually pretty easy. I've already started studying. A lot is riding on this test and the higher the score I get, the better my chances of getting a scholarship, which means less debt when I graduate.

I'm a little bit overwhelmed with all of the studying. Some of the stuff on this test is kind of ridiculous. I'm hoping that all of this studying will pay off with a good score and lots of free moolah.

5. Pray nightly. Give thanks.
As I've said before, I've never been much of a pray-er. I've begun to do this recently, and it's certainly helped. Mostly to remind me that I have much to be thankful for.

6. Stop being so hard on myself.
I tend to beat myself up about stuff. I'm going to make an effort to be kinder to myself. I once had someone point out to me that we often say things to ourselves that we wouldn't say to our friends. Shouldn't we treat ourselves at least as well as we treat our friends?

7. Live by the mantra "Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."
I think I might hang this on my bathroom mirror. It's a good mantra to live by and one that I think will come back in enhanced karma.

So, there you go, internet. My New Year's Resolutions. Happy New Year to all of you! Here's to a healthy, happy New Year for everyone. We all deserve it.

XOXO